The 'Close Doors' Button

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I read a rather disconcerting thing the other day. Apparently, the 'close doors' button on lifts (elevators, for my American friends) does not work. It is there to give us a sense of control in the tin box suspended on a rope. We press it but the lift control mechanisms decide when the doors should actually shut according to their pre-programmed cycles.

My reaction was of course total disbelief. For years I have been getting in lifts, pressing the button and then the doors close. My actions have been effective nearly every time. There is a near perfect correlation between my actions of pressing the button and the doors closing shortly thereafter. Case closed.

But stepping back for a moment and it is easy to see that my certainty may well be misplaced. I still believe that the button works but there is room for doubt. I can recall several times where I have had to press the button impatiently twice. Maybe if the door always closes after a fixed time I had pressed it the first time very soon after getting in. And of course, if the button was not working, then the doors would still close after a set period anyway. It is conceivable that my actions have nothing to do with when the doors close.

But would lift manufacturers really put a redundant button in there just to play some sort of psychological mindfuck on the users of their products? My doubts get stronger when I read that the button does work, but only when the lift is in 'fireman' mode and the maintenance key is turned. A little more plausible, but really?

So, I have now sufficient doubts to suspend my initial judgment of the effectiveness of my lift button pressing prowess. I could be kidding myself, but I am not sure. I do not want to fall for the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy. "After this, therefore because of this". Just because one event happens after another does not mean that the first event caused the second event. A dog barks at the postman and is convinced the barking makes the postman go away. You swear at the traffic lights (robots, for my South African friends) and they go green. I press the lift button, the doors close. I am ill, I take my homeopathy pills, I get better.

How we respond to such information helps to define us as to what sort of thinker we are. Human brains are finely tuned belief engines. Millions of years of evolution have honed our grey stuff to spot causation in the world and form beliefs about what causes what. It helps us survive when we notice that certain events always follow other events. Such knowledge helps us reliably find food, mates and shelter. But our brains are taking efficient shortcuts. We filter out and ignore failures and remember and reinforce successes. And most of the time this works. But beliefs formed in this way can lead to mistakes. My pressing the lift button may well be a false conclusion drawn from my experience because I have failed to spot hidden causes and alternatives to the obvious. Maybe it really is just the lift closing the door without my intervention. Maybe the postman will just leave anyway without the dog barking and maybe my cold will clear up without the homeopathic sugar pill having to remember any 'vibrational energies'. It takes care, training and caution to spot when our monkey brains might not be instinctively getting things right. And it is not easy.

James Randi gave a talk this weekend in London with Sue Blackmore, Simon Singh, Ben Goldacre and other sceptics. Everyone there was familiar with his work, but he wanted to remind us that even us die hard sceptics are easy to fool. He stood in front of the microphone and talked to us and then at the end revealed that the microphone was not on and the glasses he was wearing had no lenses in them. He could not see us. Our brains were inventing information about the experience to make sense of it. What sort of idiot pretends the standing microphone was on when really he was using a collar device? What sort of idiot wanders on stage without being able to see? What sort of idiot puts useless buttons in lifts? Or takes useless sugar pills for that matter?

Now, one factor that prevents us testing our cherished beliefs is our investment in them. For the beliefs we value and have spent time and money nurturing there is a natural aversion to testing them. We just do not want to find out that our effort was for nought. The greater the investment, the more inclined we are to only seek confirmatory evidence for our beliefs and the less notice we take of negative evidence. I can honestly say that despite the thousands of times I have pressed the close door button, I do not feel wedded to the idea that my actions have been effective. I am happy to admit that I may have been taken for a fool.

Maybe if you were an old fashioned lift attendant in a posh department store, you might have more psychological investment in your beliefs about button pressing. You have been doing it for years, helping customer up and down between floors. They have been happy customers and pleased that you shortened the journey by pressing the close door button when everyone was ready. They tip you. They would not tip you if you had actually been doing nothing. You spent three years training (by correspondence) on effective lift management. You have a diploma (unaccredited). Your parents are proud. WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME THAT THE BUTTON DOES NOTHING!

So, there is only one answer: science. Test my assumptions. Collect some objective data and see if it confirms my expectations about my ability to influence lift doors. I can do a simple trial. I can time the interval between the doors fully opening when the lift in this building arrives at the ground floor and when the doors finally close before we move off. I can do this six times with a button press and six times without. There is probably no need to invent some sort of blinding mechanism as the opening and closing events are not overly susceptible to subjective interpretation and the lift will probably be unaware that a trial is going on. Maybe I will randomise the trial by tossing a coin as I step in - just in case there are trends or other factors that might make the interval different over the day. I will seek ethical approval.

Will you do the same? Can we settle this issue and see if we really are powerless and dehumanised in the face of the cold reality of vertical transportation mechanisms? Let me know.

(Mind you. I have always been a big fan of paternosters. Much more gentle, holistic and natural - and no need for reductionist, mechanical, electrosensitivity-inducing close door buttons. Why have they taken the paternosters away? Where is our choice?)

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"Nothing Acts as Well as FairDeal Homeopathy"

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

It looks like the campaign to clean up homeopathy is having effects! A new supplier of homeopathic remedies appears to have entered the market with the promise that "we won't lie to you".

They say,
"For some reason, many homeopaths feel they have to tell their patients lies and fairy stories, and try to baffle them with pseudo-science. Here at FairDeal Homeopathy, we treat you like adults, and only tell you the truth."

For example, on their FAQ, they ask the question: "What side effects can I expect?". They respond,


None. That's one of the great things about homeopathy - there are no side effects (unless you're allergic to sugar, or water) as there are neither actual medical effects, nor active ingredients in the remedies!
They point out the power of the the placebo effect and that it is very effective for certain conditions, but echoing the smoking patches that "require willpower" to give up, homeopathy "requires belief" to be effective in any way.

Refreshing stuff from FairDeal Homeopathy. I suggest we all buy our "Remedies" from them straight away!

We at the Quackometer welcome this innovation in the world of self-empowered healing.

Talking of miraculous innovations, not quackery related, but another great little website that you may wish to peruse: bovine descenders. We have all done it. Accidentally, lead a cow upstairs only, to find that it is impossible for a cow to walk down stairs. You prayers are now answered with these specialists and "world-wide leader in the getting-cows-down-stairs field".


Marvelous. The white hot pace of technology amazes me.

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The Homeopath at the Ataraxia Theatre

Thursday, January 03, 2008


As I am sure you are aware, the marketing departments in pharmaceutical companies employ hoards of cartoonists to mock the alternative medicine industrty, alledgedly.

Here is the latest attempt to reduce the grand holistic arts to beano style ridicule. Joseph Hewitt's Ataraxia Theatre obviously has a thing going on about homeopaths. His latest scribble is a beautifully observed mocking of the absurdity of homeopathy. Joseph Hewitt is an English teacher living in South Korea. He likes iced tea and he says,

If you know me, and I know a few of you do, you'll know that the thing I hate most in this world is quack medicine. I have nothing but contempt for those who make their living fleecing money from the desperate.

He also refers to me as an 'internet celebrity' which is why I am plugging him here.

Which brings me onto an aside: I did not do a review of my last year of the Quackometer. Maybe I should have done. Lots happened and my readership has gone through the roof since I became an 'internet celebrity'. There is only one person I could thank for that and so I dedicate this cartoon to this person and give a special Quackometer 'Services to Stamping out Quackery' Award to Paula Ross, Chief Executive of the Society of Homeopaths. Thanks for all you did for me last year. If this was a real awards ceremony, now would be time for tearful hugs and the handing over of a crystal glass duck trophy. I couldn't have done it without you.

May 2008 be an even more exciting year! Happy New Year to all visitors to my site.

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Magic Homeopathic MP3 Music is Nothing New

Friday, December 21, 2007

There is nothing new under the quackery sun...

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Winterson/Goldacre Head-to-Head in the Daily Mail

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Daily Mail have re-printed the Guardian's homeopathic spat between Jeanette Winterson and Ben Goldacre. Both articles (trimmed down) are now head-to-head.

But not all is at it seams. I have done some photo analysis on the pictures on that page and uncovered a disturbing truth. Look at the picture below. After some photo manipulation I have been able to reveal this...


Look at the picture close up. Who do you see? Now get out of your chair and look again from ten feet away.

Proof that this is a Big Pharma stitch up by getting novelist to defend homeopathy and make it look silly. Or was Goldacre behind the whole thing? Is Jeanette Winterson for real? Who can we trust? Is Jeanette Ben's nom-de-Friday-night after a hectic week at the hospital and delivery of his Bad Science copy?

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be4 + afta

Friday, November 09, 2007

I have added new analytical debunking capability to the quackometer by employing the subtle subversive humour of the lolcats. For each of the current top 10 web sites that you have been testing with the quackometer, I am providing a link to a lolcats version of the web site.

For example, take this site (Lilias Curtin: body detoxification),




and it gets turned into this,




As you can plainly see, after the lolinator has done its work, there is no further need to spend countless hours checking references and claims in order to debunk the claims of quacks. I am also rather hoping that, by providing links, google will find the lolinated version of the site and rank it above the original in google searches. One can but hope.


I hope you find this a useful service.


(Thanks to Gimpy and the lolinator)

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The Quackometer has been developed by Andy Lewis. If you wish to get in contact then please read the FAQ and then email me. Details in the About section.

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