Your Perfect Homeopathy Kit for Christmas

Have you over-done it this Christmas?

Don’t worry. That homeopathic pharmacy to the Royals has the perfect remedy kit to see you through the following days.

Ainsworths Pharmacy is pleased to bring you the following remedies. Remember, these are homeopathic medicinal product used within the homeopathic tradition for the symptomatic relief of Christmas overindulgence.

Turkey 30C – Do you have an ubiquitous feeling of never ending dryness? Feeling that even spiced chutney cannot restore your appetite? Homeopathic Turkey will restore your taste buds and make you wish you were back in your staff canteen.

Sprout 12C – Mother-in-law still sat on the sofa blowing her trouser trumpet? From a single sprout, every year, we make a million remedies that cure all those Boxing Day fumes. No more need to blame it on the dog.

Norway Spruce 30C – Just wishing it was twelfth night and all over? Worried you will be vacuuming until June to get rid of all these non-drop needles? This is the remedy every family needs come January 6th. Don’t forget your Amaryllys 12C to help get rid of unwanted plant matter from your home too.

Mouth feeling like the bottom a bird cage after the office party? Parrot Droppings & Feathers 30C will make you forget that rather uncomfortable pass you made to that new person in admin. If you have not yet been to the office party and fearing that someone might slip you a mickey fin, take a Rohypnol 30C the day before.

Of course, homeopathy needs to be individualised according to how you have overindulged, so we include a selection of our favourites, all in 30C potency: Potato Crisp, Roast Beef, Cooked Pork, Dates, Brazil NutGin, Whisky, Tobacco Ash, Cocaine, E. Coli and Tyrannosaurus Rex.

And let’s not forget our annual favourite for coping with that feeling that you could not eat a single thing more: Homeopathic Twiglet 30C. Yes, twiglet. Homeopathic twiglet. That is how freaking holistic we are. Twiglet. Sticky, marmity twiglet. Twiglet. With the memory of twiglet. Just for you.

“Twiglets have the effect of causing stomach nausea & intestinal pain due to the high fibre content if consumed in High Volume.”

Twiglet.

It’s what we use to treat AIDS in Africa.

Homeopathic Twiglet.

Using the finest nanobollockules to form the memory of twiglet.

As the Society of Homeopaths say, homeopaths are, “trained to high standards and agree to practise according to a strict code of ethics and practice”. Yes, homeopathy is an evidence-based medicine that uses diluted twiglets.

At least we sell one thing that is not completely batshit misleading: Homeopathic Tap Water.

Happy Christmas

And a Happy New Year

I need a drink.

UPDATE

If you want to see a more measured critique of Ainsworth’s Pharmacy and how it runs into trouble with medicines law, read about how they have run into trouble here.

On this theme…

19 Comments on Your Perfect Homeopathy Kit for Christmas

  1. This is not a joke.

    Is it possible to obtain a sample of T.Rex without theft?

    Should this firm be reported to the Police? If not, why not?

    Are HM The Queen and Prince Charles really content to be associated with possible criminals?

    Should they be asked?

    • This product is just as likely to be made from an old vinyl record of ‘Hot Love’ by another T Rex.
      Anyway I googled Turkey 30c, Champagne 30c etc and nothing comes up. Google Pulsatilla 30c, Ignatia 30c etc and 1000’s of pages come up. Therefore if anyone is buying these festive products then noone is writing about them on the web.
      They must only be on teh list for amusement purposes only.

      • I have in fact purchased Homeopathic Tyrannosaurus rex. I chose 30C. Is that going to work better than 6C?

        I had it combined with tap water 30C (don’t ask) and Rohypnol (yes, the date rape drug)30C.

        Motive? To show my incredulous chums such remedies are actually available.

        And I don’t think Mr Bolan was involved. In fact the only detail I can extract from the web as to where the T.rex comes from is a German manufacturer who uses a sample from a T. rex tibia. They claim.

        Which raises the question – how can anyone know there ever was any T. rex (or other starting molecule) present? And if we can’t know – how can we be sure the manufacturers are actually going through all the process of trituration, dilution and succussion? Might they simply be using water ab initio?

        Surely not. That would be fraud. But how can we be sure?

  2. I received a 250g bottle of homeopathic water for Xmas. Label looked very like a normal label from a chemical supplier with part numbers, IDs, etc.

    The warning on the label was: Use of homeopathic solutions may lower your intelligence.

    I have had quite good fun showing it around.

  3. Could they get done for theCocaine one? Unless they quickly admit that there’s nothing in their “remedies” they could be getting the knock from plod before 2011 is out.

  4. Canard (Not sure the captcha caught this first time around)

    I thought you would post something lighthearted for the festive season.

    But no, all we get is the usual well argued and rational analysis of the insanity that is Ainsworths medicine list (using a rather loose interpretation of the word “medicine”).

    John @ 12.55 – the Health and Safety Inspectorate and the Nuclear Inspectorate would not do anything to them about their actinoid based sugar pills so it is unlikely that Knacker of The Yard will be feeling their collar over some (non)Bolivian Marching Powder.

    They will just spin some cock and bull (probably available in 10C and 30C potencies for chicken and beef overdoses) story about the pixy dust having the memory or the thoughts of cocaine.

    They might be callous and venal as they prey on the gullible worried well but they are not stupid.

    I have said it before but that Ainsworth list of (ahem) cures is the second funniest publication in history (after the Viz Profanosaurus naturally). Never has so much nonsensical bullshit been squeezed into a small .pdf.

    Keep up the good work in 2012 Andy.

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