A little sip and you can join the Mile High Club and Solve the Credit Crunch
We learn that Waitrose is to launch a new drink soon. Mile High Drinks (‘the original flight juice drink’) promises to combat the ‘negative effects’ experienced when flying. Its a juice drink that is ’specially formulated’ by naturopath and nutritionist Stuart Roberts. Mile High Drinks claim they are,
scientifically proven to have qualities that can help combat jet lag, dehydration, nausea, digestive upsets and infections. The unique way that Mile High blended the ingredients makes the combination much more effective than each individual ingredient alone.
That will be fluids, sugars and salts then? Obviously, Waitrose (a high end supermarket chain in the UK) have literally bought this. Mile High Drinks’ web site is a laugh a minute. In typical quack fashion, we are given a list of ‘health issues’. Whilst the site never explicitly says that any their drink can help with any of them, the implication is there. We are invited to be scared of Deep Vein Thrombosis, Viruses and Bacteria, Hypobaric Hypoxia and, even more ridiculously, Cosmic Radiation.
It is true that the radiation dose we receive on flights is relatively high. Indeed, Concorde crew were the group of workers in the UK with the highest radiation exposures – beating X-ray hospital staff and nuclear power workers easily. But should your typical Waitrose consumer flying a few times a year to their cottage near Bergerac worry? Would an ‘aviation juice’ drink of any sort make any difference? Of course not.
But if we think we are bonkers in the UK, we only have to look to the US for even more utter daftness. There, sips of drinks can do even more miraculous things than stave of viruses and form a protective invisible lead soup radiation shield around you.
Are you an Estate Agent finding new business hard during the credit crunch? Are you a homeowner desperate to sell your house, but canno`ing about a quick sale.”
A worried real estate professional can sip the water and let the drink “enhance your powers as a sales person, and assist you in achieving positive results.”
While you are using your Energized Water, keep a clear mind, stay focused and quietly say a mantra such as “I am thankful for what I am, for what I have, and will accept what is to come with grace. I am worthy and deserving, I am blessed with good fortune and I will treat success with great respect.” Repeat three times.
Remember that your intentions play a large part and you must believe in yourself. Success and luck will follow.
$6.99 for 8 oz.
Whilst the Mile High Drinks company are not forthcoming about saying how their magic fruit juice works, Energised Water freely offer is their secret:
The Energized Water offered through the Water Pharmacy undergoes an intense turbulent treatment in order to prepare it for the absorption of specific desired energy levels. Thanks in part to a parallel transmission of precise vibrations, the water is programmed by the frequency belt of the natural magnetic field of the earth. Under these influences, the structure of harmful molecular clusters collapses resulting in a complete deletion of the memory of negative matter.
Obviously vital stuff for all of suffering with mortgage worries, debt and the constant health battle against negative matter.
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Nothing on the Mile High Drinks website about whether their products will improve my chances of joining the Mile High Club.
It’s obvious. You let slip to the gorgeous member of the sex of your prediliction sitting next to you that you drink it and they will know both that you are credulous and have more money than sense. An instant aphrodisiac…
heh – i love the way several scary conditions get mentioned alongside the product. great way of getting average consumer to think that the product may help for some of these.
recently i was at a huge science conference and folks researching circadian rhythms found that hamsters get jet lag – i wonder if this juice could help them…?!
Damn, chief, that is some seriously idiotic water-woo.
It makes the mere “eight glasses a day of water or you’ll shrivel up/dehydrate”, or “but it must be alkaline water” stuff seem rather mundane.
I had been thinking there wasn’t much more comedy gold to be mined out of ludicrous water-wibble, but you’ve proved me comprehensively wrong.
“Nothing on the Mile High Drinks website about whether their products will improve my chances of joining the Mile High Club.”
Have you tried mixing one with vodka?
Wow, a drink that can help combat dehydration! Whatever will they think of next?
but you cant take liquids onto a plane anyway,
Waitrose have a brilliant dietitian as their company nutritionist called Moira Howie.
She is a seriously ninja nutritionist and a dietitian well respected by dietitians who know her – including me
I bet marketing managed to slip this through under her radar. Think I’ll email her.
http://www.waitrose.com/food/askanutritionist/index.aspx
have you thought of writing a book yourself Andy. Quackometer – the medical Bullshitometer, considering the sales of Bens book you could be on to a lot of cash.
if I ever write a book it will be more of a “how I left the rat race and moved to the south of France and opened a little pharmacie homeopathique and shagged juliette binoche” type book. Maybe call it “driving over canards” or “a year in binoche” or something.
This Energized Water stuff… it undergoes an ‘intense turbulent treatment’ so that it forgets about the harmful stuff it might once have contained. ‘Intense turbulent treatment’ sounds like ‘shaking’ to me, or as some might refer to it, ‘succussion’. No?
You are right needhelp. The explanation that they give is in direct contradiction with established homeopathic theory and so it must be wrong. Oh hang on. It must be right. I am getting horribly confused.
UKdietitian said…
Waitrose have a brilliant dietitian as their company nutritionist called Moira Howie.
She is a seriously ninja nutritionist and a dietitian well respected by dietitians who know her – including me
I bet marketing managed to slip this through under her radar. Think I’ll email her.
http://www.waitrose.com/food/askanutritionist/index.aspx
Wednesday, 03 September, 2008
I doubt they consider it a dietary issue.
Anyway, for those devoid of science qualifications but who do have an enquiring mind (such as moi), I think it’s customary when confronted with things like Waitrose magic Mile High water to utter sotto voce that timeless useful phrase – complete bollox.
As ‘intense turbulent treatment’ is clearly nothing to do with homeopathy maybe it works !
If so why is it not used throughout the third world for water purification or have the pharmas conspired to cover it up (as they always do – obviously, so that they can sell cures for cholera, malaria etc)
I suggest the producers run a trial whereby they crap in a bottle, subject it to intense turbulent treatment’ and drink it.
This might not be very scientific in terms of a proper trial but I suggest it would be a way of putting your money where your mouth is (literally as well as metaphorically).
Is this enrgised water crap for real?
Nobody else has said it, so…
“Will nobody rid me of this turbulent treatment?!”
I thank you