Chiropractic: A Joke

Apologies…

 

 

There were two doctors in a bar, spending the evening moaning about the current state of the NHS, government interference, hospital managers, crap IT, abusive patients, litigious patients, rotas, paperwork, overwork, lack of time with patients who need it – you get the picture.

The first says, “You know what? It has got to the state where I want to jack it all in and get into alternative medicine. Frankly, I quite fancy being a chiropractor.”

“A chiroquacktor?” Laughs the second doctor. “You have to be kidding?”

“No, I’m serious.”, says the first. “Think about it. I can keep my “Dr” title and a have brass plaque on the front door of my own private practice. I can see a string of patients with mainly back problems and a few crying babies. Nothing we can really do about either of them, but I can crack their bones, charge them, they will get better anyway, no matter what I do, and they will be eternally grateful to me. I can set my own practice hours. Go home at regular times. Play some golf. It will be fantastic.”

“What’s stopping you then?” Says, the now understanding second doctor.

“Well, unlike the title ‘Dr’, not just anyone can style themselves a chiropractor. You have to have been on a long training course and get a new BSc and then be registered with the GCC. I could just do a part time McTimoney course, but even then it could take years and I would have to listen to all that hogwash about subluxations. I just want to get through all that and start cracking bones.”

“Mmmm”, says Doctor number two. “Maybe I can help you there”.

“How?”

“Well, you know I am a brain surgeon. I have been trialling a new procedure. It’s experimental, but I am having a few successes.” says the brain surgeon.

“The operation will basically instantly transform you from a doctor into a chiropractor.”

“Is that possible?” asks the first.

“Yes, in layman’s terms, what we do is remove half your brain”.

Looking rather alarmed, the first says, “Good grief! That sounds serious. I’m not sure I could go through with that!”

“Well, its not so bad.”, reassures the brain surgeon. “We are very particular about which parts of brain we remove. We shall pick out all those bits that got stuffed full of anatomy and physiology at medical school. Obviously we shall leave some remnants of basic medical knowledge there and let you believe that you have a fully equivalent medical training in such areas. Out will go all that stuff on pharmacology, biochemistry, anaesthesiology, surgery and psychiatry.  Immunology will have to go. You can quickly make stuff up to replace your real knowledge, and before you know it, you will be condemning MMR and the vaccination schedule. No need for medical ethics probably too. Your evidence empathy areas will go, along with any basic understanding of science that may interfere with a belief in ‘innate intelligence’ or ‘subluxations’. “

“We shall obviously leave in the business skills area. That will be very important. Get a car crash victim in and after a few sessions you will be able to sign up his whole family, including children, grandparents and pets into a ‘family wellness’ programme for the next five years.

“Wow! Fantastic!”, says the first.

“I can fit you in this afternoon, if that’s OK?” says the second.

And so, the operation was performed. But due to some iatrogenic catastrophe, negligence, arrogance, complacency, mix up, and, possibly some underhand Big Pharma foul play, the operation does not go too well.

As the first doctor starts coming round from the anaesthetic, the surgeon is waiting to break the bad news. “I’m afraid, the operation did not go as planned”, he says.

“What do you mean?” says a rather alarmed and definitely not a chiropractor patient.

“Due to a mix up with some paperwork, we accidentally removed your whole brain. We tried our best, but were unable to restore those areas you will need to become a chiropractor. I am afraid you have no brain”.

“Never mind.”, says the  surprisingly chirpy and optimistic patient. “I think I will just become a homeopath”.

31 comments for “Chiropractic: A Joke

  1. Mojo
    June 1, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    “I think I will just become a homeopath”.

    That’s even easier at the Ratbags Holistic Health Academy:

    http://www.ratbags.com/rsoles/comment/homeopathy.htm

  2. Zeno
    June 1, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    ROFLMAO!

    Brilliant – and sooooo true.

  3. Jack of Kent
    June 1, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    At least they didn’t remove his heart: there’s no telling what profession he would fall into ;-)

  4. Zeno
    June 1, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    LOL! A bit of self deprecation, Jack…nice one!

  5. SVETLANA PERTSOVICH
    June 1, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! :D
    Excellent!!! :D
    Great!!!

    “Chiroquacktor”! You must immediatelly receive a patent for new term ;) :) From now on I’ll call them so! :)

  6. Skeptico
    June 1, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Svetlana:

    It’s already registered: Chiro-Quacktic school killed

  7. Dr Aust
    June 1, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Yes. Anyone who thinks Andy is really joking about the chiropractors should read this old Respectful Insolence thread (warning: you’ll need to set aside some time; chiropractors are nothing if not long-winded).

  8. Anonymous
    June 1, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    nothing in favour of homeeopathy here but still:

    lame joke,…

    Christian

  9. mysoginist
    June 1, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    who died and made you Basil Brush, boom boom!

  10. Bogus Dr- Deception implied
    June 1, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    To call this a joke is *bogus.

    *deliberate deception not implied

  11. Anonymous
    June 2, 2009 at 10:53 am

    “nothing in favour of homeeopathy here”

    …except that he needs a little more surgery. ;)

    BillyJoe

  12. Stewart
    June 2, 2009 at 10:56 am

    It is said that scientists can never earn as much as sales people. This S.A.D.(Scientists Are Doomed) theorem is proved as follows:

    Power = Work / Time
    A Better Joke?
    Since Knowledge is Power and Time is Money we can substitute

    Knowledge = Work/Money

    This can be reworked with some basic maths as:

    Money = Work / Knowledge.

    Therefore, the less you know, the more you make.

    This is why scientists are doomed.

  13. John H
    June 2, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Stewart – you are probably correct.

    When I did something vaguely academic and scientific I was poverty stricken.

    When I lost the academic bit I then earned a reasonable wad.

    When I dropped the scientific bit as well and became a “sales person” I earned a shedload of cash.

    QED

  14. SVETLANA PERTSOVICH
    June 3, 2009 at 7:35 am

    Wrongly.
    Knowledge must be relevant. Then the quantity of work increases in geometrical progression compared to the quantity of knowledge… (The known "law of relevantness of scientific knowledge")
    Plus the law of intensification of labour…

    So – clever scientist=rich man. And if this scientist is not rich, then he/she is either idiot or russian dissident… ;) The latter is corrigible (by emigration). The former is hopeless.

    Is it clear? :)

    PS. And don't hurt Basil Brush! He is a good fluffy chap :) (I like much more old design of the personage :) )

  15. Twaza
    June 3, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    Google couldn't find a homeopathic remedy for anencephaly, but it did find a treatment for softening of the brain (homeopaths might find it useful): Phosphorus [Phos].

    check http://www.hpathy.com/diseases/brain-symptoms-treatment-cure.asp

    On the same page it says that Zincum metallicum is a useful remedy when you get "a swashing sensation in the brain". I might try it myself, as I get serious swashing sensations in my brain whenever I read about homeopathy.

  16. Anonymous
    June 9, 2009 at 8:29 am

    Great joke, but you forgot the bit about removing the sanctimonious arrogance neurons!

  17. Anonymous
    June 10, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Pathetic, a very old joke turned against latest 'trendy' target (just because they had the temerity to stand up for their own profession – just as the BMA and RCS would have done). Also,shows complete ignorance of the training that chiropractors have to go through – still never let the facts get in the way of a joke!

  18. Le Canard Noir
    June 10, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    From my point of view, the only old joke around here appears to be chiropractic. And it doesn't get much funnier than today's McTimoney antics.

  19. Anonymous
    June 15, 2009 at 8:54 am

    Chiropractic school curriculum:
    http://positivemotionchiropractic.com/downloads/How-Well-Educated-Is-Your-Chiropractor.pdf
    I respect that they have to dumb down certain concepts so patients can understand so I don't see how we can judge their education or intelligence on that. Besides, chiropractic has worked for thousands of people, without side effects. If it didn't, how would it still be around? I believe that it would have died out if it wasn't doing something for people.

  20. Anonymous
    June 17, 2009 at 1:00 am

    LOL…..yeah, the joke was funny…..and a little soft on details and truth…but anyways, you Brits are having a harder time with chiropractic than us Yanks. It's too bad, really. I'm sorry that the bs and misinformation made its way into your society before the truth about chiropractic came out.
    I'm not talking about "subluxations" being the root of all evil…..I'm a chiropractor and I don't believe that stuff. But please don't kill it before you actually relaize how much good it can do! Don't let biased information teach you wrong…..we've fought for over a hundred years in this country to get it legitimized, only now are we becoming established properly in our own right.

  21. Anonymous
    June 17, 2009 at 2:19 am

    I don't know much about educational requirements in the UK but US requirements for a DC degree are extensive. At least 3 years undegraduate work (most have a four year degree) followed by at least five years (10 semesters minimum) in chiroractic school (all accredited courses) with the first two years of basic medical sciences running from 18 to 22 course hours per semester. The last two years add clinical rotations in school clinics, local hospitals and now in the VA hospital system as well. Tuition costs for chiro school alone now run over $100K.

  22. Le Canard Noir
    June 17, 2009 at 7:20 am

    "Tuition costs for chiro school alone now run over $100K."

    The first victims of chiropractic would appear to be themselves.

    • Concerned
      October 17, 2011 at 4:29 am

      I hope you never need our services….obviously you know nothing about Chiropractic care.

  23. Anonymous
    November 24, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    oh dear……

  24. Gymnophiliac
    March 8, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    How Pathetic.
    Do you even know what you are talking about?

    • le canard noir
      March 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm

      Would you be someone with half a brain, or no brain?

  25. Marco
    September 18, 2011 at 3:06 am

    After a car accident I had a 14 degree scoliosis to the right which corrected to only 7 degrees with chiropractic care in a few months; a later accident knocked it back towards the 14 degrees and I would bet as good as I feel now it is 7 or better again. With the expert care and muscle work I get at my Chiropractor, I see immediate functional improvements. Probably, scares alot of you MD’s because you’re not trained in getting that kind of effect or results. Too bad for you. But, it’s not your niche. Handle the broken bones and stitch up those open wounds. Don’t stand in the way of letting a patient transition back to a more normal life afterward with chiropractic. I vote for a combination of both approaches, but in either case only what works. Chiropractic works for me.

  26. Badly Shaved Monkey
    September 18, 2011 at 7:30 am

    You may be right that chiropractic helped you, but all you can legitimately say is this;

    “After a car accident I had a 14 degree scoliosis to the right which corrected to only 7 degrees in a few months”

    We don’t have such a major problem with chiros’ claims to help back problems, though the evidence suggests they are no better than a variety of other physical therapies. On the other hand if they put their hands around your neck you might end up dead as a result in the service of a therapy that is either no better than other physical therapies for the same problem or is utterly irrelevant to the patient’s condition. In the latter case, the risk:benefit ratio heads off towards infinity.

    We have a problem with chiros who advise against vaccination and pretend to help a host of non-spinal medical conditions.

    If we could make chiros magically vanish tomorrow, no one would be worse off and quite a few people would be better off, medically and financially.

  27. Concerned
    October 17, 2011 at 4:25 am

    I had a patient come to me last week. She could not lift her shoulder over her head. Her brother, who is a a Rheumatologist told her not to see a Chiropractor and that she should just take some pain pills and muscle relaxers. After I examined her, I found misaligned ribs and weak rotator cuff muscles. In short, she was not having normal FUNCTION. I adjusted her ribheads and performed some myofascial and neurolymphatic treatment to the rotator cuff musculature. She was now able to lift her arm over the shoulder with an 80 percent reduction of pain. So the “quack”looks at restoring function and the brilliant MD just wants to cover the symptoms and ignore the underlying cause? For over 30 years, I have been practicing Chiropractic and it works for many conditions without a doubt. I am really tired of ignorant and prejudiced idiots misleading the public away from valuable care that they sorely need….

  28. Badly Shaved Monkey
    October 17, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Can humans normally lift their shoulders over their heads? Mine stay stubbornly attached to the top corners of my torso.

  29. SuperChiro
    February 18, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Please bear in mind that this was published in 1998!

    Since then there have been significant changes and improvements in chiropractic education with an increase in clinical hours and also the addition of other physical therapy modalities and rehabilitation has made a significant impact on the profession. I’ve quoted the main findings below. There has also been a shift away from archaic philosophies. Now they are taught as historical concepts. Of course older generation chiropractors like to do things the old fashioned way, including the philosophical stuff, but the same can be said in medicine, for older physicians, preferring older methods. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks unfortunately!

    Great joke by the way!

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9737032

    “The results suggest that, while medical students spend more time gaining clinical experience (1405 hours for chiropractic vs. 5227 hours for medicine, which includes a 3–year residency), chiropractic students spend more time in lectures and laboratories learning basic and clinical sciences (3790 hours for chiropractic vs. 2648 hours for medicine). Other comparisons showed that some subjects such as microbiology were equally represented in both curricula, while others, such as anatomy, physiology and pathology, were emphasized more in the chiropractic colleges.”

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